I went to a shop today.

I do this sometimes when I get day release.

Little did I realise how empty my life has been up to now as I gazed upon the multitude of useful products and gadgets which I had previously not realised I needed.

I’m now at peace.

Previously I’ve used a fork. It makes me feel foolish even admitting that.

Little coloured bugs to aid wine glass identification for when you throw that short-term memory loss themed dinner party.It’s a tray with a lid. Trays are renowned for their intellect. Socrates was a tray.Formerly known as bagsNever again would the fat roam the estates at night, terrifying children and women.Silas wept salt tears. Finally someone was listening. For years he had led a solitary life, spurned and despised because of his abnormally large hands.

For the modern parent who simply can’t wait until the iron cools down to clean it.For years it had been this way. Wurzel ironed the shirt, he looked around, there was simply nothing else to do. He threw the shirt on the ground. As he picked it off the floor to iron it again he thought ‘Science has allowed us to put a man on the moon….the beginning of an idea formed in his mind….’It was the moment every moth was prepared for since birth. Yes he was willing to die in the cause of a fresh lemony scent.That’s just three random words put together on the side of a packet!Everthing changed for the pegs once they formed their own union. No longer would they be satisfied just to hang up clothes. At first they whispered it, then it grew into a rallying call, ‘Some day a peg would be cutlery!’For the domesticated giant.Colin had looked for days fruitlessly. Then, just as he was about to give up hope, a breakthrough. But once more his hopes were cruelly dashed. It was the Large Droplet Moisture Magnet he needed.This one is actually beyond my satire. It stands proud as it is.Actually, I could use one of those.Once he had been worshipped as a God and inspired great works of art. Where had it all gone wrong?The tide of the war changed when the Allies invented the cauliflower prep tool. Almost overnight the cauliflower became useless as a weapon.