Took my son for a walk in the forest park today.

Of course a simple walk is not enough and it morphed into a bear-hunting trip with us both having to flee for our lives at one point while being pursued by an angry grizzly who we had interrupted while he was having his porridge.

From there we moved on to searching for dragons. The forest became ‘The Magic Forest’.

We walked on finding ‘magic trees’, ‘magic pine cones’ and even ‘magic nettles’.

At one point my son then shot off excitedly on his own, pointed to the ground and proclaimed, ‘Look daddy, magic mushrooms! Shall we eat them?’

Um….I think we’re doing just fine without them. 

When they do the Dine in for £10 offer at Marks and Spencers it seems to have a funny effect on people.

The usually genteel middle-class customers swarm around the displays like excited bees.

I’ve seen pushing and elbows and rows over who grabbed what first.

On one occasion an old lady nearly broke my wrist when I tried to reach for the last profiteroles stack.

We’ve just had an impromptu gig in the front room.

We sang favourite kiddie songs. Son took lead vocals, guitar, drums, piano and recorder.

I was on tambourine.

He also insisted I dance.

Sometimes when I’m bored I like to imagine the very early days of Paw Patrol when Ryder gave out the rigs.

The pups are all gathered together excitedly at the newly built lookout. Among them is little Rocky, a mongrel rescued from a life of misery at the pound. His tiny heart is beating so fast, he can scarcely believe the new life he has been given.

Ryder clears his throat. ‘Alright pups, calm down now.’ He looks at his clipboard. ‘Skye, you’re first, you get a plane.’

Skye leaps with excitement. ‘Thanks Ryder’.

He goes on. ‘Chase, you get a police car. Marshall, a fire truck and Zuma, I hope you can swim, you’re getting a hovercraft.’

Ryder’s voice is drowned out by the animated yelping of the happy little pups. Rocky, who has been standing at the back, nervously edges his way forward.

‘Ryder,’ he begins, ‘what about me? What rig do I get?’

Ryder frowns. He looks at the clipboard and scratches his head.

‘Well Rocky….’ his voice descends into an inaudible murmur.

‘I’m sorry Ryder, I didn’t catch that.’

‘I said you get to drive the recycling bin lorry.’

‘What the feck????!!!!!’

Turned on telly this morning to watch Paw Patrol, only to find that the pups were in space!

My son is very excited by this but I’m a bit worried.

It’s scarily similar to how Postman Pat went to the dogs after they gave him his own plane. 

As a viewer you were just left feeling that they were taking the piss out of you.

None of us want to see Paw Patrol going the same way as House of Cards and losing its cool and credibility.

A group of talking pups solving emergencies in Adventure Bay I can buy into. But turning them into astropups? It’s just not on.

2:13pm Daddy realises he’s lost his phone for what seems like the 15th time today.

2:14pm Starts to think deeply about the number of times he’s lost his phone and whether this is evidence of some form of irreversible cognitive and mental decline.

2:15pm Is thinking so deeply about this he forgets that the reason he’s thinking about it is because he’s lost his phone.

2:16pm Sits in his favourite chair content that his powers of thought are not in decline.

2:17pm Remembers that he’s lost his phone. Curses his mental complacency.

2:18m Begins a search of the house.

2:19pm Abandons search in exasperation. Casts accusatory glance at son.

2:20pm Mummy has been in her office working all day. Daddy bursts in enquiring ‘Where’s my phone, have you seen it?’ His tone of voice goes further, seeming to suggest ‘Everything I lose is because of this infernal obsession you have with keeping the house clean and moving my stuff.’ Mummy calmly explains that she’s been working all day and has not been near the phone. Suggests daddy tries calling the phone. Daddy grumbles a sort of unimpressed consent that this is a sensible idea and leaves the room.

2:25pm Starts to dial the mobile number from the landline.

2:26pm Goes back upstairs to ask mummy what his number is.

2:28pm Goes back to landline and dials number. Remembers that he has phone on silent and quietly curses the foolishness of the idea.

2:30pm Checks under the sink where the bleach and washing powder is kept. Phone is not there.

2:33pm Sits down defeated on sofa beside son who is watching CBeebies. Interrupts The Clangers to explain to son how daddy has been cursed with bad luck following an unfortunate encounter with a fortune teller on Blackpool promenade some years back.

2:36pm Son rudely breaks into daddy’s story short midway through to say ‘Daddy, what’s that in your pocket?’ Searches in pocket. Phone is there. He has 0 missed calls. 0 messages. 0 notifications.

2:37pm Shouts upstairs to mummy that son had hidden phone under the sofa.

2:43pm Son asks daddy if he can have a drink of water. Daddy asks if he can not hang on until the end of Fireman Sam.

2:45 Son says he’s really really thirsty.

2:46pm Shaking his head sadly daddy rises from sofa and goes to kitchen.

2:47pm Sets down phone to get glass of water.

2:48pm Returns to living room. Has missed end of Fireman Sam.

2:52pm Realises that he’s lost his phone again.

2:54pm Searches kitchen.

2:57pm Decides to look in drawers in kitchen unit despite voice in my head telling him ‘you haven’t been in those drawers today’.

2:58pm As he searches through drawers voice in head tells him ‘Jesus, I don’t think we’ve ever been in these drawers in our life.’

3pm Discovers DVD set of Godfather films. Daddy is delighted with this development as DVD had been assumed lost.

3:01pm Sits on floor and reads DVD sleeve. Decides must watch again ASAP.

3:03pm Removes every item from drawers and sets on floor.

3:05pm Start to pile items back into drawers. Daddy is not skilled at returning items in an ordered fashion.

3:06pm Voice in head says ‘You’ve made a fecking horlicks of that, those drawers won’t close now.’

3:07pm Daddy starts to close drawers. Begins to use brute force.

3:08pm Daddy concedes that drawer is stuck fast. Voice in head says ‘You’re on your own mate’.

3:09pm Daddy begins the process of removing drawers from unit and storing items in a more ordered fashion.

3:18pm Having finished task with kitchen unit daddy returns to join sofa to join son in time for Andy’s Wild Adventures.

3:21pm Remembers he still hasn’t found phone.

3:22pm Returns to kitchen.

3:24pm Finds phone on sideboard beside the sink. He has 0 missed calls. 0 messages. 0 notifications.

3:25pm Considers the productivity of his afternoon.

3:26pm Decides he has achieved enough to deserve a reward.

3:27pm With son happily watching TV daddy decides to slip into the other room to enjoy his newly rediscovered Godfather DVD.

3:28pm Turns on TV and DVD player. Blows dust off DVD case, handling it gently like a valuable antique.

3:29pm Opens DVD case. DVD is not inside.