Walking with a grumpy child in Rushmere Centre. He’s huffing with me because the Iggle Piggle ride that he remembers was here before has been replaced. And that’s my fault, of course. He spots a machine which gives out plastic eggs containing Paw Patrol figures for a pound and demands one. I meekly acquiesce, reasoning that it least it might get me back in the good books for a bit. As I slip the coin into the slot he says ‘Daddy I don’t want Rubble. I’ve already got Rubble’, and with that my fate is sealed. I try to explain that I don’t control which toy comes out, he nods like he understands but then adds ‘As long as it’s not Rubble daddy’. I fumble with the wrapping, it might be ok, it’s a one in six chance. It could be Skye. It could be Marshall or Rocky. I crack the plastic egg open and pray for Chase. Good Christ, even Zuma would be ok. I stare at the toy. It’s Rubble. Fecking Rubble. Of course it’s Rubble. Cue the inevitable tantrum and protestations of ‘I hate you’. God I love being a daddy ❤️

Playtime. You looking at me punk?

Half seven on Saturday morning and I’ve already played noughts and crosses against the Gruffalo and completed the Paw Patrol jigsaw.

The encroachment of the really groovy daddy slippers into the photo was unintentional 

Now that I’m unemployed I’ve made a vow only to spend money on things I absolutely cannot live without 

If I buy a bag of Quavers for my son and then forget to give them to him before bedtime, technically speaking they were never really his and I can eat them, right? 

Each Friday is magazine day.

This means I buy a kiddie magazine with a free gift toy for my son.

The magazine itself is invariably thrown out without being looked at.

The toy is invariably some piece of plastic tat which is played with once before being thrown into a big bag full of all the other plastic tat, where it remains permanently.

It really is quite a poor use of our planet’s valuable oil reserves.

This week’s instalment is a useless plastic gun with bullets which look suspiciously like suppositories.