It is often observed that everything in your world changes once viewed through the prism of parenthood. With this in mind I have been forced to update or change the context of several of my favourite historical and literary quotes to reflect my current reality……

‘In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. And, that the exact moment I sit down for dinner my son will say ‘Daddy, I need a poo’.’

Reflecting upon the first occasion that his son slept past 6am and pondering how many years before he can enjoy a proper lie-in again

‘Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.’

‘We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at a sliced banana which has been hidden down the back of the sofa.’

‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a middle-aged man in possession of an energetic five-year-old, must be in want of an alcoholic drink.’

‘You can do anything, but not everything. And nothing useful at all while your child is awake.’

‘The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails. The daddy closes the window and pulls the curtains.’

‘Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just watch CBeebies quietly while I have a lie down.’

‘I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways to trying to get my son to eat carrot that don’t work.’

Reflecting upon a tantrum while trying to persuade his son to allow him to wash his hair

‘It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.’

‘The secret of getting ahead is daycare.’

‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death my right to say Shut up!’

‘Those who do not remember the past breakfasts are condemned to have a bowl of Rice Krispies tipped over their head.’

‘The man who is swimming against the stream knows that his son has peed in the pool.’

‘I came, I saw, I asked mummy to take over.’

‘You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because your son is bouncing on top of your head.’

‘That which does not kill us makes us yearn for the summer holidays to be over.’

‘Parenting is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get but you can be sure it will melt all over his fingers and end up on the good carpet.’